Wednesday, November 01, 2006

The Many Loves of Clark Kent

So, the recent introduction of Clark's latest former girlfriend, Callie Llewellyn, to the Superman mythos got me thinking. For someone who's supposed to be kind of a dork, for someone who's been associated with one (at most, two) woman for the last sixty-plus years, Clark Kent has had a lot of ex-girlfriends show up.
Lana Lang: The first, the girl who didn't get away. Lana's gone through a lot, mostly because no one seems to know what to do with her, and it's only gotten worse recently with her divorce from Pete Ross. I'm glad she's the head of LexCorp, it's a neat idea and a good move for her character, I just wish she wasn't the perpetual tragedy.
Lori Lemaris: Lori was Clark's college girlfriend, who also happened to be a mermaid. Being a telepath, she discovered Clark's secret, and being a nice guy, he kept hers. She disappeared, and was thought dead, but surfaced years later while Clark and Lois were engaged. Her husband, the sorcerer Ronal, went more than a little nutso, and accidentally gave her the "Splash"-inspired ability to develop legs whenever she was dry. She crashed with Lois for awhile in an Odd Couple-esque plotline (current fiancée + oft-naked ex-girlfriend = DRAMA!), then became a museum curator, and disappeared for awhile. Last I saw, she had been in Atlantis when it got sent back in time, and thus had aged 15 years. I think she might have been shown during Spectre's rampage through the undersea kingdom, so her current status is MIA at best.
Simone DeNeige: Clark's post-college French girlfriend, who had a flair for the dramatic and superficial. She got hired by Franklin Stern to pump up the paper's failing circulation, and then ended up being Clark's boss when Lex bought and subsequently closed the Daily Planet. I don't think she's been seen since LexCom faded into obscurity, well before the B13 virus hit.
Wonder Woman: The first of Clark's superheroic romances, he was plagued with erm...'romantic' dreams about the Amazonian warrior, until they worked together, and he planted a wet one on her. They agreed then and there that it wasn't going to work out, and have been good friends ever since. Well, except for that whole "Sacrifice" thing, but that never really led anywhere, as I recall.
Maxima: While their relationship was typically pretty one-sided, Kal-El hooked up with the Almeracian monarch while under the influence of the Eradicator. I seem to recall, however, that she found an excuse to break off the relationship during that storyline.
Ice: Tora had more a crush on Superman than anything else, but there was a sweet relationship between the two, for the brief period that they were both on the League before Superman died.
Obsession: Yeah, she wishes. Next!
Callie Llewellyn: We don't know much about her just yet, other than that she's a brilliant scientist, specializing in unique or alien biology, and that Clark met her while traveling the world. The lingering question of how much she knows about Clark's abilities suggests that she'll be increasing in importance while Busiek's still on the book.

And I think that's all of the post-Crisis romances. Pretty sure, anyway. Clark Kent's more of a lothario then people give him credit for. Gosh, it really seems like I'm forgetting one...but who?

Ah well. Someone'll figure it out.


Anonymous said...

Don't forget that girl the robot from Krypton hypnotized into having sex with Clark.

SallyP said...

How about Big Barda? Heck he did a porno with her.

Tom Foss said...

Yeah, and there's the alien girl from Kandor in "Godfall," and the tribeswoman he almost married during "Blackout."

Bully said...

I just love how they figured out to get the usual double-Ls in both names instead of spread across two different names!

Anonymous said...

And that Lois chick.

I hear they had something going.

Didn't Cat Grant have a thing for Clark too back in the early post-Crisis days?

notintheface said...

What about that waitress Ruby in his college days? Was she retconned out?

Also, during Byrne's first tenure there was a storyline where he was involved with Amazing Grace on Apokolips while suffering from amnesia, and another time when Sleez mind-controlled him and Big Barda into making Tommy Lee and Pamela style tapes.

Tom Foss said...

I don't remember Ruby...was she the one he visited once, who had a kid or two? Was that in "World of Metropolis" or something? Sounds vaguely familiar.

I'm still not entirely sure which girl Sleestak's talking about...again, it sounds familiar. It's sad that there are enough that "girl hypnotized into having sex with Clark" isn't enough of a descriptor.

I'm pretty sure Rich is right about Cat having a thing for him; she deserves mention if Ice does, anyway. There was definitely tension if nothing else.

Bully, not only did they include double-l's in both names, but they managed two sets of double-l's in the last name alone! There are six l's in her name!

Gosh...Byrne really had a thing for Superman and Apokoliptian women. For all the early Byrne-era issues I have, I've never actually bought or read the Barda/Sleez issues.

Rich: I'm drawing a blank on this Lois...what issue was she in?

Anonymous said...

If you're looking for a good take on Lana you won't find one in the comicbooks and you damn sure won't find it on Smallville because they flushed her girl-nextdoor characterzation down the toilet for cheap soap opera stunts and bitchiness.

The animated series had a great sassy take on Lana who came into her own as a jet setting fashion designer, temporaily hooked up with Lex Luthor. She may "like badboys" but it's still the Big Blue Boyscout that really makes her heart beat. So it's like you still have the unrequited love thing but her life and happyness aren't in total shambles because of it. She's smart and has her own life.

If anything this is a Lana who could indeed give Lois some serious competition and it implies that Superman just really, really digs very strong women who also have a sweeter, softer side.

Anonymous said...
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Tom Foss said...

Wow, comment spam that got through the word verification. Clever. But not clever enough to avoid being...DELETED!