A Pressing Question

The Pipettes: great band, or the greatest band?

DC/Mortal Kombat: What the hell?

Recently, it was announced that a "DC vs. Mortal Kombat" fighting game would be making its way to a console near you. And all I can say to that is "why, oh dear Rao, why?"

I mean, let's start with Mortal Kombat. Everyone was all agog over the game when it first came out, way back when. I remember renting it repeatedly for my Sega Genesis, because it was frigging cool to see all the blood and do the one Fatality I could figure out how to do. Mortal Kombat 2 and 3 rode the same wave, introducing bunches of new characters and moves and ways to "FINISH HIM!!!"

But eventually, I realized that, once you got past the blood and gore and the motion-captured characters, the game was pretty damn empty. The character variety was limited by the motion capture system, so most characters were just recolored versions of other characters. The moves were easy to pull off, but combos and finishers were ridiculously hard. The game was designed more to be "cool" than "fun." Once I stopped being in Junior High, the latter started becoming more important than the former.

In order to account for this, or so it seemed, the folks behind Mortal Kombat injected an intricate plot into the series, which grew increasingly more bloated, convoluted, and incomprehensible with each game. This led eventually to the terrible, terrible idea of Mortal Kombat games that weren't straight-up fighting games.

Here's a lesson to all fighting game manufacturers: keep it simple, stupid. This (and the fun factor) is why the "Street Fighter" games are so good: they don't beat you over the head with a wannabe high fantasy plot. At most, they have the basic excuse for the characters to be fighting (a tournament) and some relationships between the characters. Or at least, that's what they had the last time I paid attention to the plot of Street Fighter. And that's a large part of why I prefer SF to MK.

Moving on, there's also the DC Comics side of the problem: fighting games with DC Characters make very little sense. They stretch the suspension of disbelief to its breaking point by pitting such unevenly-matched characters against one another. Didn't anyone play "Justice League: Task Force"? Batman should not be able to beat Superman in a fistfight, period (and Aquaman shouldn't be faster than the Flash, but that's a different complaint altogether).

It's a little different with Marvel (although not much better), because there isn't quite the same power scale among Marvel's big guns. And they can afford to leave some of those more powerful characters out of the mix--Silver Surfer and Thor didn't appear in the Marvel vs. Capcom games (as far as I can tell); they're among the most powerful characters, but not necessarily the most popular.

DC has no such leeway; you can't do a DC game without both Superman and Batman, which leaves you in the unfortunate position of having to provide an explanation for why Batman could possibly beat up Superman, and furthermore, why Superman still has his other, non-invulnerability powers, intact. The mere act of justifying the game starts moving the plot out of "keep it simple," and yet, it's absolutely necessary--otherwise, you end up with "Justice League: Task Force."

So apparently magic is involved in this new game. Which brings us to the place where the worlds collide: the bright, shiny, generally optimistic world of DC Comics, with the gory, blood-soaked, twisted world of Mortal Kombat. How in the hell are they going to reconcile these two universes without compromising one or the other? I'm sure the gameplay will be the usual style of Mortal Kombat mediocre, and the graphics they've released look all right, but what about the blood and fatalities? Are they going to be removed, rather than letting DC characters have their spines removed by ninjas? Or are we going to see DC's largely anti-killing superheroes violating their codes of honor for the purposes of the game? Will Batman be lynching Liu Kang with his Batgrapple? Will Superman burn Scorpion to a crisp? Will Wonder Woman twist Johnny Cage's head around with her bare hands? Oh, wait...

I suspect they'll remove the Fatalities, but what does that leave Mortal Kombat with? A bunch of lackluster characters, a meandering plot, pedestrian gameplay, and a series that hasn't seen success since the Clinton Administration ended? DC hasn't had the best of luck with video games, and Mortal Kombat isn't exactly the controversial cream of the crop that it was in 1993. This seems to be a bad move for both entities, and it looks like they're each hoping to ride the other's nonexistent coattails to success.

Honestly, DC Comics vs. Mortal Kombat? What's next, Grand Theft Auto: Gotham City? At least that would have some guaranteed measure of success. What the hell, DC?

Content will resume shortly

Sorry folks, I didn't mean to leave things running silent for so long. If I have any readers left at all, they can expect to see my thoughts on Iron Man, Doctor Who, and Torchwood Season 1 in the near future.

In the meantime, who do you expect to be on the team in the Avengers movie? Some of them are no-brainers, but there are quite a few possibilities out there.

The Sounds of Silence

Sorry for the silence. Finals are coming up, and I've got a ton of papers to do. So it'll be a little while before I'm posting regularly again.

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In similar, but more permanent news, Dave Campbell has taped up his long box and shipped it off to greener pastures. This means that there is no one left to challenge Chris Sims' stranglehold on the comics blogohedron. Let us all bid farewell and good luck to the most Airwolf blog on the tubes, before the decrees come down from the Dark Lord to remove that word from our vocabulary and mandate an average of 3.4 face-kick images per post.

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On a happier note, Loren Javier is blogging again! Welcome back to the blogohedron, Loren, and remember to pledge allegiance and tribute to the Great Imperial Leader on your way in.

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Also, I want to wish a happy (belated) birthday to Ragnell!

Now, you all know how women get so irrational about getting older, so everyone remember to complement Ragnell on her youthful looks and fashion choices in the coming days. Since she'll be spending increased amounts of time in front of the mirror, applying makeup and counting wrinkles and gray hairs, reassuring her about her looks will make her feel like she's still worthwhile, and certainly isn't turning into a bitter spinster. For example, "Hey Ragnell, that's a Green Lantern-caliber butt you have there!"

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The Fortress of Soliloquy will be going on indefinite hiatus, as Tom Foss has mysteriously disappeared. Any communications may be forwarded through When Fangirls Attack.

The Hits Keep Coming

Apparently I didn't read the DC Solicitations closely enough, or I would have found out that they're cancelling "Catwoman" and "All-New Atom." Now, I said I wasn't too thrilled with Remender's run so far, but that didn't mean I wanted the book to end. It is a travesty of the highest order that these books should die while Judd Winick gets a new Titans title.

So, looking over my top three favorite DC titles of the last year or so, one's being cancelled after losing its awesome series writer, one's being cancelled after getting derailed by an unnecessary and nonsensical (but still well-written and entertaining, despite it all) crossover with "Salvation Run," and one's getting a new writer who, so far, looks like he's totally out of his depth. Add to this the changing of the guard on "Immortal Iron Fist," and my list of 'books I look forward to reading each month' been utterly demolished. What's left? "Green Lantern" and "Booster Gold"?

"Trinity" is going to have to be the Holy Grail of comics in order to pick up the slack (no pressure, Kurt). Still, I'm not sure even the return of Ambush Bug will be able to save July from total suckitude.

DC Comics, What the Hell?

What is it with these terrible, awful, no-good, very bad solicitations recently? Reading the July 2008 solicitations was like one terrible bit of news after another. First, there's this:

FINAL CRISIS: REQUIEM #1
Written by Peter J. Tomasi
Art by Doug Mahnke & Christian Alamy
Covers by J.G. Jones and Doug Mahnke
A very special FINAL CRISIS one-shot honoring the passing of a great hero who’s been a staple in the DC Universe for years. All that remains is one final memory that the League experiences together as they must fulfill his last wishes or die trying!
Retailers please note: This issue will ship with two covers (one by J.G. Jones and one by Doug Mahnke) that will ship in approximately 50/50 ratio. Please see the Previews Order Form for more information.
On sale July 9 • 40 pg, FC, $3.99 US

Which is basically confirmation that the endless train of Event Casualties continues, claiming Martian Manhunter this time. I love it when they run characters into the ground before they kill them off. It provides such a convenient "they weren't popular/selling" excuse. Can we start the over/under on how long he'll actually stay dead?

Then there was this:

DETECTIVE COMICS #846
Written by Paul Dini
Art by Dustin Nguyen & Derek Fridolfs
Cover by Nguyen
A “Batman: R.I.P.” issue — and part 1 of the 5-part story “The Return of Hush!”
Readers who were surprised by Catwoman’s return last month haven’t see anything yet as Hush makes a dramatic return to the life of Batman. What will this mean for Bruce Wayne? This epic story kicks off the countdown to DETECTIVE #850!
On sale July 2 • 32 pg, FC, $2.99 US

Because Hush is such a great character with so many possibilities, and totally hasn't been overused and overhyped. I mean, I love Paul Dini to death, and if anyone can redeem Hush, it's him, but I'd much, much rather see some of Batman's better rogues used. You know, like Orca, the Eraser, and Egghead.

And then there's this abomination:

SUPERMAN/BATMAN #50
Written by Michael Green & Mike Johnson
Art by Ed Benes
Cover by Ethan Van Sciver
Variant cover by Ed McGuinness & Dexter Vines
Celebrate fifty blockbuster issues with this extra-sized extravaganza as we reveal the untold tale of Thomas Wayne’s meeting with Jor-El and how it shaped Gotham City’s future! You don’t dare miss this one!
The past was just prologue for this latest adventure of the World’s Finest duo as an ancient Kryptonian artifact is uncovered, unleashing past and present dangers that may alter the duo’s future. Not even the guest-starring Titans will be able to save them! This issue also features a variant cover by the original SUPERMAN/BATMAN art team of Ed McGuinness & Dexter Vines!
Retailers please note: This issue will ship with two covers. For every 10 copies of the Standard Edition (with a cover by Ethan Van Sciver), retailers may order one copy of the Variant Edition (with a cover by Ed McGuinness & Dexter Vines). Please see the Previews Order Form for more information.
On sale July 23 • 48 pg, FC, $3.99 US

Oh, I do indeed dare miss this one. It's not often that a solicit screams Dis Continuity, but this one's shouting it from the rooftops. This sounds like a rejected "Smallville" plot (where Jor-El is involved with freaking everything on Earth) or a bad '90s Elseworlds story. Jor-El should remain entirely confined to Krypton and the Fortress computer.

Oh, that reminds me, Superman Month is coming.

But the biggest disappointment was this:

BLUE BEETLE #29
Written by Matthew Sturges
Art and cover by Rafael Albuquerque
New series writer Matthew Sturges (JACK OF FABLES, HOUSE OF MYSTERY) comes aboard to kick off “Boundaries,” with returning series artist Rafael Albuquerque! As Blue Beetle struggles to establish himself as the protector of El Paso and Cuidad Juarez, he finds himself thrown into the heart of the immigration struggle, made all the more complicated by the involvement of Intergang — and another, more mysterious, figure. Coming at you straight outta Texas, Sturges takes our hero into new territory as Beetle works out his responsibilities as both a hero in the DC Universe and a citizen of a border town.
On sale July 30 • 32 pg, FC, $2.99 US

Matthew Sturges? Really? We get the awesomeness of Giffen and Rogers, then some fill-in by the incredible Will Pfeifer, and then we get the man who killed Shadowpact? First Bruce Jones on Checkmate, now this (and I'm none too thrilled with Rick Remender's run on All-New Atom so far, either). I'll give Sturges more of a fair shake than I'll give Jones, but it looks from here like DC is sabotaging some of their best titles.

This makes me hopeful, though:

BOOSTER GOLD #1,000,000
Written by Geoff Johns & Jeff Katz
Art and cover by Dan Jurgens & Norm Rapmund
Meet the greatest time-traveling hero of the year
1,000,000 A.D. – PETER PLATINUM! Lost in time, Booster Gold is confronted by a hero a million times more self-involved than himself. But if Booster does find his way back to the present, Batman will be waiting for him.
On sale July 9 • 32 pg, FC, $2.99 US

First Zero Hour, now this. I can only hope for an Invasion tie-in before the series is over. Hopefully, they'll do the DC One Million trade dress, too.

So, at this point it looks like July's going to suck. Final Crisis better be awesome.

Obviously, I was going to have to talk about this

Somehow, life got in the way of me posting about this sooner, so this probably isn't news to most of you. In any case, Freakazoid is finally coming to DVD!

And I couldn't be happier. It's been something of a banner year for DVDs that I wanted but never thought would come out; just a couple of weeks ago, I was shocked to see a Season 1 box set of Sci-Fi Channel's "Invisible Man," one of my favorite sci-fi series of all time. Now if only they'd put out sets of "Quantum Leap" with the music intact, I could die happy.

And to celebrate, how about a star-studded Freakazoid video?

Hm...I think I'm going to have to do something a little more substantial closer to the release date...

Panels I'd write for free

I don't know why everyone's so upset about that "Mighty Avengers" panel. I mean, I don't see anything wrong with my copy.

Hat tip to Mike Sterling for the image and Bully for the inspiration.